Sometimes small things happen and you realize that there is in fact a creator or someone who is at least looking out for you. At work, right now I was trying to compile all my research into excel files but my mind kept on wandering to death n other things when suddenly the song “I get knocked down” started playing on my iPhone and I remembered I am bubbly and nothing can knock me down as it hasn’t before this. So bring it on, whether it is cancer or another heartbreak, I’m prepared 
.
It’s amazing how much winning a match of cricket can do for our nation. With the whole no electricity, taliban, poverty, zardari situation one often finds little reason for hope. Most of us feel like losers you know, like we are no match for the world out there and that being from Pakistan makes you a lot worse off than others. It’s a small thing, a cricket match, and many would argue that winning by seven runs is not really a convincing victory. But the point is at the end of the day we’ve finally won at something .
After wearing my cute and sexy new skin tight capri pjs, one thing is for sure, I need to go on a serious diet. I am off junk food for at least a month. I know I love junk food, but I loved S too and m doing fine without him so this should be easy.
Every time I use Microsoft word or excel, I thank Bill Gates for putting in the undo function. If something disappears by mistake, it’s all ok, just press ctrl + z, and all will be ok. It’s a necessary function. We make mistakes and sometimes we don’t know how to undo them ourselves, ctrl + z just makes things easier.
If only real life was this simple. Umair’s mom called asking me if I would show up on March 18th. There was a smirk in her tone, and when she added the “not that I expect you to come” I couldn’t stop myself; I had to say I”ll be there. I thought it wouldn’t be that difficult since March 18th is on a Wednesday. We don’t have compulsory sessions on Wednesday and I thought if I leave Tuesday and come back Wednesday night everything will be perfect. Well, I’ve just taken a look at next week’s schedule and we’re getting off on Tuesday at 8 pm and we have four classes on Thursday. There is no way I can go to Islamabad for Wednesday. I do fully plan to go on the weekend with my friends. It’s a long weekend and we’ve been planning the road trip for ages. I can go visit her then, but how do I call her and tell her this? If only there was an undo button.
It’s bullet’s birthday today.Bullet is not just a car, he is my commarade, my partner in crime hehe. I remember when I set the reminder for his birthday last year at this time. I was sick in bed with a flu and the car dealer called to tell me he had arrived. I rushed with a 104 fever to the dealer and got the car. It was a beautiful day and bullet was shining in the sunlight. I’ll never forget the rush I got driving bullet from the showroom till my house.
February passed by a lot faster than January and January passed by faster than December. M sure March will pass by even faster and soon it will all be ok and I won’t even miss him anymore.
I wonder what life has in store for me next.
I was sitting in Economics class, busy taking notes as the teacher went on about inflation and the role of expectations in influencing money supply and hence inflation when the guy sitting next to me interrupted my speedy scribbling. Annoyed I asked him why he was tapping my shoulder. He pointed to his cell with a look of horror on his face. AS usually uses GPRS to come up with class participation points (his class participation still sucks, but he’s a sweet guy so I try and always humor him when tells me his “good” points). I thought he was doing the same now and ignored him. He tapped again and said the Sri Lankan cricket team has been attacked. I laughed politely, thought he was referring to how we are losing badly and making a joke or something. But when I saw his face, I realized he was serious.
After that the day went downhill. My friends and I spent all afternoon watching GEO in our student lounge, which was a mistake because it did nothing but fuel our depression. Everyone around us were sitting seriously, discussing possible motives, talking about why no one is blaming India yet, talking about how Pakistan’s ideology has been wrong since its inception and that is the cause of its instability, about how security sucked because it didn’t reach there in time, and how Pakistan’s name has been further stained by this incident. Some were even making pathetic attempts to look at the silver lining and saying we should concentrate on developing cricket now, strengthen our domestic teams, make leagues etc.
What was more depressing was how everyone had forgotten this by the evening and how I received texts joking about the incident and saying that our cricket fields are now available for rent for marriage functions, dance parties etc.This incident, should have touched Pakistanis more than anything else, since our nation gives cricket a religion like status. However, we had forgotten about this in a couple of hours. Our country has become desensitized. We don’t react to anything anymore.
It’s sad. I always defend Pakistan and tell my father how we should settle here in the end whenever he is talking about immigration to Canada. Yesterday he called and this time I really could not justify my wanting to stay here. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone needs a vent, someone to talk to, something to help you relieve everything. Mine used to be S, but because of unfortunate circumstances that is not so much the case anymore. On Saturday, when I fell in my room and had to be taken to the hospital, I was tempted to call S and tell him how horrible I was feeling but I couldn’t. It’s sad, and I don’t mean to be hurtful, but I felt he might be bothered by this on his Saturday morning, since he’s probably recovering from his Friday night party.
Anyways, Ive digressed a bit. We all do need a vent. So what if it’s a professional counselor? That doesn’t make someone mad does it? Watching Boston Legal and Grey’s Anatomy makes me feel better. I know these characters are fictional but if sane lawyers and medical residents go to counselors it really can’t be something that’s that bad, could it? This is just a social stigma, right?
My counselor has taught me many things. She’s helping me channel my anger with all these writing assignments, one of which was my conversation with God. She doesn’t bother reading my assignments, she just gives them to me. At first I wouldn’t do them but now I’m beginning to enjoy them. I even look forward to the little relaxing routine she does at the end.
I have friends. I’m not one of those weird social outcasts. I have S (another, female S) smsing me, calling me, asking details about my exams, my tabiyat, offering me the spare room in her house. I have T who is at least always there. I have my mba friends who are always willing to take me out. Ak says he’ll fight anyone who hurts his partner (he’s my badminton partner), U says he enjoys his conversations with me more than anyone he knows and well B is my sweet friend who surprises me by making me popcorn. I probably have better friends than I deserve. But it’s like I mentioned in my conversation with God , these people are great but I feel like they don’t understand me and hence I need a counselor.
I’m not crazy.
Me: You have treated me very unfairly.
God: I’ve treated you with kindness. I’ve given you a stable family and comforts, a drop of which would be any poor man’s dream.
Me: I acknowledge that, and I am grateful for that. There are many more unfortunate than me, but so many more fortunate than me. Just because you have treated people worse than me does not justify your treatment with me. I’m glad, I’m not amongst them but I wish I wasn’t me either.
God: You have surely really not been so unlucky to complain so much?
Me: I feel like I’m all damaged now, that there is a big gap between me and everyone else around me, my class fellows, my siblings, my parents, my cousins, my friends, etc.
God: How so?
Me: People usually don’t recover from the shock of one abortion throughout their lifetimes. I had not fully recovered from the shock of my first one and I had to undergo another one. This too, in a culture where abortions are not even talked about.
God: Ah! But the abortion was something you had in your own hand. It was not enforced by me in anyway.
Me: But it was. The first time I was only 15. I didn’t even consent to the sex that caused it. That too is a trauma in itself. I’m born in a society where to have babies before marriage is considered so bad, it would have ruined my future.
God: So you were selfish and you chose to end the life of two innocent children.
Me: I did not choose. The choice was enforced on me. The second time was not my fault either. I thought I was playing it safe.
God: You thought you were, but you weren’t. So many women would kill to be as fertile as you are. Besides that sex is unlawful. You deserved what you got and you know it.
Me: Other than the abortions, what about the rape itself? Don’t you think that was a bit unfair?
God: Again, it wasn’t my fault. It was yours. You should have known that going to a man’s house when he is alone is not right. I have actually discouraged people against it. It’s about time they started listening to me.
Me: I was a child of 15. He was a grown man, who my father trusted. On top of that, he had a beard. I trusted him. He told me stories of the Prophet and increased my faith towards you. Surely, you are the protector of mankind. Could you not have given me or my parents at least a warning so that we may have seen his true character?
God: You chose to disobey me and you were punished for it. It’s as simple as that.
Me: What about Umair dying? I prayed and fasted before his death. I don’t know how you can justify that? Plus, I was away from home and it made things far worse.
God: That had nothing to do with you. It was his time and he died.
Me: But you ruined me. Just when I was happy with life again, you took my happiness.
God: It also made you stronger. And again, his death was partly your own doing.
Me: No it didn’t. It ruined my grades, it’s made me paranoid and even till this day I miss him. You can’t possibly think that I had something to do with his death. I didn’t know this would happen. Now that I’ve actually loved again, you’ve taken S away from me too.
God: He is someone who was never yours. You chose to still love him and you are getting punished for it and rightly so. You’ve only gotten what you deserved so far, and this is why you would lose badly if you ever try and sue me.
A friend of mine thinks this whole life is meaningless. Everything in this life is useless after all its all going to end in the end right? I asked him then if his focus is all on the afterlife then, and he just smiled and said it should be, but it isn’t. This whole conversation started because apparently he is getting married. His mother has picked a nice girl for him and he isn’t bothered about talking to her and seeing what type of person she is. After all, marriage is gonna be bad after 2 years no matter what, so what is the point?
His theory did have some weight. Married life looses the zaa zaa zoo after a little while no matter how right your partner is for you. This life is short and it will end, and in the end who you married and all your achievements are all just moo. Oscar wilde says “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it”. At the end, it doesn’t matter if you’ve gotten all you wanted. AM has managed to top the class, and frankly he is probably less happier than the rest of us.
However, marriage is something serious. I mean its another thing that both of you are indifferent to each other and you’re ok with it. You and your partner have your own lives and at the end of the day you don’t mind living with each other and you’re happy to have your partner with you. But the thing is, what if your partner is totally different. What if he/she is someone who you cannot relate to at all? What if even the first two years of your marriage don’t go as smoothly and perfectly as you imagined? What if your partner interferes with everything you think is necessary in life, like traveling, hanging out with your best friends or even smoking and drinking?
The thing is, this life will end at one point or the other. But you are going to be married for the rest of your life. Isn’t it important that your married life is atleast not bad, if not very good?
